I was listening to a Brahms piano concerto driving home. Even with my poopy little car radio (I gotta get HD someday) the sounds filled the car and me. I found myself crying – dangerous while driving. The regrets of not being able to play in an orchestra right now overwhelmed me. Regrets for what might have been had I been encouraged more as a child or just plain practiced more ):-] ) later on flooded over me.
I started thinking about Julia’s admonitions again. What a waste of time regrets are, unless they spur you to action. Her voice seemed to say to me. Go ahead and wake up. Now! Don’t let regrets of what might have steal what you can have today, however much is left.
You wouldn’t believe how many negatives came scrambling to the surface on that thought. Like the stream of ants that comes out after someone pours hot water down the mound. And I am talking about Texas fire ants here, not the little mild-mannered sugar ants that populate California.
I kept repeating to myself words like absorb, open up, open out, reach out. Will I have pain? Yes. But isn’t that better than shriveled scars? Yes. Fear of that thought? Yes.
I want music back in my life. I envy the people that have music around them every day, that grew up with it in their homes. But how to get it if I can’t play? Write music? Pound the keyboard on my own? Listen. Cry. Laugh and love?
I’m going to try.
See my music page for orchestras I have been privileged to have played with in the past.